Ntonhle Dlamini

Like everyone else.

But I didn’t because I do that every year.

I chose not to participate in lent this year because,well , its easy

Too easy

Probably because in my past life, i.e Varsity days, I was vegetarian 

Besides,there’s a bajillion meat alternatives floating around the shelves these days.

But, as it turns out, Lent wanted to participate in me.

I don’t remember asking God to reveal my traumas, triggers and pride,I don’t remember requesting Him to bring my cycles to the surface or my biggest character flaw ,impatience to the front of the queue but here we are.

And since He’s already gone ahead and searched me and known my heart, in the words of David,

“¶Search me [thoroughly], O God, and know my heart; Test me and know my anxious thoughts;”

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭139‬:‭23‬ ‭AMP‬‬

Which I,unlike David,did NOT request.

I might as well share what I have learned (against my will)

I am impatient 

I am well aware of this, though.

HOWEVER,at the root of this impatience is a desire for control.

Specifically, the outcome 

I want to know the outcome, I want to know what to expect.

This way I can get ready and stay ready,instead of getting ready at short notice.

It gets worse 

Its a trauma response 

To being disappointed over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again.

So i would rather be in control than relax now and regret it later.

Then,add to that that im a firstborn daughter 

Its a lot.

But God is not like man, He can actually be trusted.

But that does not necessarily mean He’ll always do what I ask of Him

It does mean He’ll do whats best for me, even if it means disappointing me in the short term.

And you know what?

Thats a risk I’m willing to take.